Looking Back Now

I was going to write about something mundane, challenging myself to be more physically and fiscally fit or something like that, but the Mrs. just posed an interesting question, which got me thinking. So I'm going to spend the next few paragraphs engaging myself in a thought exercise. Feel free to tag along.

While working at the dining room table, my wife looked up at a picture of my grandpa and wondered if he would have liked her. If he would have liked our family. My family's generally pretty excellent, so I have little doubt he would have liked them just fine - but what about me? What would be think of me if he were still around?

My grandpa died when in 1985 when I was 4. At the time of his passing, my mother, sister and I were living with him and my grandma in Connecticut. My mom had broken up with my dad and gotten laid off from work, so she was having a great couple of months, and she took us East to figure things out.

Looking back, I'm glad I got those last several months with him, he was the last, and only, positive male role model I had in my life, basically ever - I hadn't considered that point in a while... yikes - so in a lot of ways, it made a hefty impression on me. But at the same time, I can't say I ever knew him or the kind of man he really was. Everyone speaks kindly of him, but few ever speak ill of the dead. I'm not saying I really doubt any of them, just that I wish I'd known for myself.

I know the kind of person I've grown up to be. Would he accept me for who I've become, or would I have even turned out this way if he hadn't died when he did? When the layoffs ended, I'm sure my mom would have moved us back here and taken her old job back, but she was never going to get back together with my dad, so that wouldn't have changed. My grandma would have had no reason to move back here with us, so we wouldn't have bought the house my sister and I grew up in. There's no telling what my mom would have done, where we would have ended up. It goes without saying, that it would be a very different me looking through these lenses at 35.

I'll have to revisit this topic again someday in another post. I really do enjoy "What Ifs" and revisionist history pieces. I think it would be cathartic to flesh this out more. The next time I see my mother, I may pick her brain about it and see what she thinks she would have done. It's been 30 years, I don't think I'll be opening any old wounds, and as she gets older, she becomes more and more willing to talk about the past. That's been nice.

So back to my question: Would he have liked the man I've become?

I think he would have understood that I'm an inherently flawed individual, but one that's done a lot of good with the hand I was dealt. I'm not perfect, but if you put my life on a scale today, I'm confident the good in me would far outweigh the bad. So on a measure, yeah, I think he and I would have enjoyed a few rounds of whiskey and gin over the last 15 years. He'd have talked and I would have listened.

I could have lived with that.